Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Published on 18 August 2023 at 11:37

Matthew 6:25 - 32

"That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life-whether you have enough food and drink or enough clothes to wear.  Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing?  Look at the birds.  They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them.  And aren't you far more valuable to Him than they are?  Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?  And why worry about your clothing?  Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow.  Thye don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.  And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you.  Why do you have so little faith?  So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat?  What will we drink?  What will we wear?'  These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.


Dealing with PTSD is really difficult to understand.  It really doesn't matter what you went through, but when you've been abused in your life, there are times when you act very fearful towards people, and sometimes you act angrily towards people.  It is mostly a way of protecting yourself, but also lashing out on someone especially when they are close is extremely hard on the person who is on the receiving end of your anger.  Mental Health is harder for the person living with a person who has mental health issues.  It is so hard on my wife because I need things to be just so, and she is not like that, she doesn't even think that housework is important, and for me I need my surrounding to be organized and clean.  I cannot stand a chaotic home, I need order.  My wife likes chaos even though she says she doesn't, she doesn't really know how to create a non-chaotic place.  I've learned that she protects herself from not just from me, but from other people.  She hides inside herself, and when she cleans it is like a person who blocks herself inside a wall.  I've mentioned it to her because I've watched her do that over and over time and time again, and she is unable to change.  Me I do not do that, when I clean, I organize, put things away, and clean at the same time.  But as I watch my wife struggle with housework, in my mind she should know these things, it's simple housework 101, and it drives me crazy.  My cleaning time even goes into the evening, but on the weekends, it drives me nuts, because I cannot clean at night.  So, my anger comes out, and it may be a case of the Bipolar showing its ugly self, but I try to tell her I need her to help, but she won't help.  She says it's because of me, because I have to have things done a certain way, and she is slow, and I can clean a room in a matter of minutes to a couple of hours, and it takes her all day to organize one box.  Then she tires out.  


I guess I blame myself, because, she has had Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia for so long, and I have let her get away with doing nothing except to care for our Special Needs Son.  But when do I get to spend time with my family, when I am too busy cleaning and working on different activities.  When I look back at my work life and realize all the abuse, I went through in my workplace with all the different women that I have come across, it brings confusion, and I do not understand why these women are being abusive towards me when I haven't done anything to them.  I work hard in my jobs, but I am always having to face abusive women.  It's bad enough the abuse I went through as a child and a teen, and even as an adult.  Most of the time I want to run and get away from everyone.  Then I think where am I going to go?  I have no one to lean on, and I have no one to depend on, no friends, no family, no one.  So, I stay and I feel angry all the time.  I'm supposed to have this wonderful relationship with Jesus Christ, and all I see is that He doesn't care about me, and no matter what I do for Him, and how much I pray, or read the Word, and no matter how much I tell Him how I feel, and that I love Him, all I hear is quiet, no voices, no one talking, no comfort, nothing.  But I keep going, and no matter what is going on inside my mind or in my heart, or in my spirit man, I know one day this will all ends.  I know that Jesus is coming for me, and even if I am not raptured out, and have to endure the tribulation because of Jesus turning His back on me.  I know that one day it will be for my detriment, and Jesus knows what is good for me.  For I am nothing...

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